If you want to hold me, I’ll want you more
Than anyone ever wanted anyone before
If you want to hold me, I’ll hold you back
If you want to hold me, hold me down
I'll need a little room to sway
You hold me anyway
All my life
Well I can’t take you on my own
I always hoped
I always hoped it would be, be easy
Half of what you are and half of me so
Hold me closer but now where do I go to find you?
Now where do I go to find you?
Now where do I go to find you, now?
I see your faceless stars
Shine in my dream tonight
I see your loving eyes
And it is starting to all make sense
I am a lion
A tiger sleeping under my skin
A tiger sleeping under your skin
Not afraid to fight
I see your faceless stars
Shine in my dream tonight
I see your loving eyes
We will watch a little sunrise
if actions speak louder than words, i'm the most deafening noise you've heard. i'll be that ringing in your ear - that will stick around for years
2024-06-04
2024-05-13
update on mechanical conception circa 14022023
history only repeats itself. this time around i had a fleeting desire to realize it into reality but rationality roped me back in.
this time around it came from a place of love and i had support around me. but it ended tragically between the lovers.
the day i lost half of my heart is the same day i lost the other half.
[mechanical conception]
no light is shining here
i cant even pinpoint where to begin. maybe the part where my heart always feels heavy, my mind racing, my body tired and my spirit trapped.
a muddied up, low vibrational azimah.
when wisdom is hard to follow where there is so much doubt, fear, worry, anger, self-deprecation, blocks; recognizing but still doing the opposite anyway. having no self respect masked as being super confident. always too much guilt and regret right after; over ruminations, non acceptance, little faith.
the worst part is, i think, not being able to figure out the root of all these negativities, or the difficulty of it. or knowing but not having the courage to admit the cause. or confusing all the different causes as to which one is the ultimatum of which.
i dont even want to talk about what i used to be, how i'd used to deal with this. the wisdom i had/have is ever evolving, that i know. but the inability to stay wise with a better reaction to things is what i suffer.
so easy to break nowadays.
all the transitions, the losses, fast resolutions.
-after lunch and a cup of coffee-
why am i letting this bother me so much? why do i give this much power? after two videos on letting go, all i can say it: fuck all that. then everything is fucked away and all i feel is peace.
2023-09-06
everything is energy
I didn’t arrive at my understanding of the fundamental laws of the universe through my rational mind.
The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery. There comes a leap in consciousness, call it intuition or what you will, the solution comes to you and you don’t know how or why.
A human being experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.
Our separation from each other is an optical illusion.
When something vibrates, the electrons of the entire universe resonate with it. Everything is connected. The greatest tragedy of human existence is the illusion of separateness.
We are souls dressed up in sacred biochemical garments and our bodies are the instruments through which our souls play their music.
When you examine the lives of the most influential people who have ever walked among us, you discover one thread that winds through them all. They have been aligned first with their spiritual nature and only then with their physical selves.
The true value of a human being can be found in the degree to which he has attained liberation from the self.
The common idea that I am an atheist is based on a big mistake. Anyone who interprets my scientific theories this way, did not understand them.
Everything is determined for the insect, as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper.
The religion of the future will be a cosmic religion. It will transcend a personal God and avoid dogma and theology.
Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.
Everything is energy and that is all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you can not help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics.
I am happy because I want nothing from anyone. I do not care about money. Decorations, titles or distinctions mean nothing to me. I do not crave praise. I claim credit for nothing. A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future.
-Albert Einstein
Concerning matter, we’ve been all wrong. What we have called matter is energy, whose vibration has been so lowered as to be perceptible to the senses. Matter is spirit reduced to a point of visibility. There is no matter.
Time and space are not conditions in which we live, but modes by which we think. Physical concepts are free creations of the human mind, and are not, however it may seem, determined by the external world.
Time does not exist – we invented it. Time is what the clock says. The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.
I think 99 times and find nothing. I stop thinking, swim in silence, and the truth comes to me.
Time and space are not conditions in which we live, but modes by which we think. Physical concepts are free creations of the human mind, and are not, however it may seem, determined by the external world.
Time does not exist – we invented it. Time is what the clock says. The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.
I think 99 times and find nothing. I stop thinking, swim in silence, and the truth comes to me.
The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery. There comes a leap in consciousness, call it intuition or what you will, the solution comes to you and you don’t know how or why.
A human being experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.
Our separation from each other is an optical illusion.
When something vibrates, the electrons of the entire universe resonate with it. Everything is connected. The greatest tragedy of human existence is the illusion of separateness.
We are souls dressed up in sacred biochemical garments and our bodies are the instruments through which our souls play their music.
When you examine the lives of the most influential people who have ever walked among us, you discover one thread that winds through them all. They have been aligned first with their spiritual nature and only then with their physical selves.
The true value of a human being can be found in the degree to which he has attained liberation from the self.
The ancients knew something, which we seem to have forgotten.
The more I learn of physics, the more I am drawn to metaphysics.
One thing I have learned in a long life: that all our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike. We still do not know one thousandth of one percent of what nature has revealed to us. It is entirely possible that behind the perception of our senses, worlds are hidden of which we are unaware.”
I’m not an atheist. The problem involved is too vast for our limited minds. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many languages. The child knows someone must have written those books.
The more I learn of physics, the more I am drawn to metaphysics.
One thing I have learned in a long life: that all our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike. We still do not know one thousandth of one percent of what nature has revealed to us. It is entirely possible that behind the perception of our senses, worlds are hidden of which we are unaware.”
I’m not an atheist. The problem involved is too vast for our limited minds. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many languages. The child knows someone must have written those books.
The common idea that I am an atheist is based on a big mistake. Anyone who interprets my scientific theories this way, did not understand them.
Everything is determined for the insect, as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper.
The religion of the future will be a cosmic religion. It will transcend a personal God and avoid dogma and theology.
Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.
Everything is energy and that is all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you can not help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics.
I am happy because I want nothing from anyone. I do not care about money. Decorations, titles or distinctions mean nothing to me. I do not crave praise. I claim credit for nothing. A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future.
-Albert Einstein
2023-08-30
2023-08-16
6eez, louise
26 this year. going through mountains of recollection, mistakes, ideas, skin and shell to find that bucket-list i had unintentionally buried deep. if i tried to piece the list together just how i'd wanted it at 16, honestly im not sure how much i'd align with it. i have evolved big time as a person but i know for a fact a lot of my concern would be straightened if i go back to my core. to know if i still find joy in yesteryear things, i need to first do the thing.
see the world
-backpack around the globe on bicycle/train
-stay in hostels, meet other backpackers
-journal the journey via photos/writings
sky diving
scuba diving
run a marathon
get a job on an island
dreadlocks
learn and ride a superbike
master skateboarding
be a guitarist in a band
better football player
climb a mountain
experience shibari suspension
basically just anything that fuels the adrenaline and gives a whole lotta feel good i can do anything hormones. i miss being active and unshakeable. living with such courage and passion and always moving. one of my senses got overstimulated, but here i am trying to balance it again.
2023-08-02
titik, kosong
when i try to think outside the realms of my usual mind direction, i see that stationary void and imagine its strong gravitational pull. the weight of navigating wits puts a load on my intellect [though stimulating it may be]. the easiest exit is to envision my subserviency towards the blackhole and walking towards that comfort, becoming an ally once again.
who is doing the walking and who is telling to stop?
point. blank.
2023-02-14
5, vertigo
Destined as the servant to the night where your moon dreams of the dirt and the sharp tongue of your zealous will is only congruent with the salt in your mouth and the approaching eulogy of the world.
Lost in the patterns of youth and the ghost of your aches comes back to haunt you.
And the forging of change makes no difference.
Memories fly through the mask of your life shielding you from time.
Memories fly through the mask of your life shielding you from time.
The years that birthed the shell that you gained.
Hunched over in apathetic grief with a disregard for steps except the one taken back.
Perched up on a rope crafted in smoke / a sword wielding death that buried your hope.
Focusing on light through the blinds. A slave to reality under a monarch in the sky.
Lost in the patterns of youth where the windows shine brightly back at you.
Focusing on light through the blinds. A slave to reality under a monarch in the sky.
Lost in the patterns of youth where the windows shine brightly back at you.
mechanical conception
when you breed only to kill later
such an awful feeling. how do you stay alive on a grave?
2023-02-08
Sakti, my Little Bean.
Sakti, my Little Bean.
I paint you in pretty colours and handsome notes
How you came bathed in red
Some days those colours they dance for me to the tune of your heartbeat
And some the reds come washing
I keep you in a vessel, but it's not big enough to contain your spirit
Neither is the sea for you to roam and my pains to flow
The waters remain blue and green, but the winds
My god the winds
Their violence came to take you away gracefully
I miss you Sakti
Your fleeting presence touched my deepest being,
and i devote to finding my way to you in perpetuity
For home is you, not me
I laid drunk on the concrete on the day of your birth
In celebration of all you were worth
Like a moth to a flame unearthed
<3
2023-01-30
2022-08-19
woke up groggy, good friday bay-by
i dont think my senses are as vibrant and i dont wonder anymore. i think ive got more brain before i embarked on this, definitely did not think things thru. stop with the buts. swirl swirl swirl the days and get into bed immediately. here's a set u ought to follow, oh but be different be urself be a sock. difficulty to draw a full circle. the confines of this world find fingermarks on the edges.
2022-08-16
the walled garden of truth
We tried reasoning
our way to Him:
it did not work;
but the moment we gave up,
no obstacle remained.
He introduced himself to us
out of kindness: how else
could we have known him?
Reason took us as far as the door;
but it was his presence that let us in.
But how will you ever know him,
as long as you are unable
to know yourself?
Once one is one,
no more, no less:
error begins with duality;
unity knows no error.
The road your self must journey on
lies in polishing the heart.
It is not by rebellion and discord
that the heart’s mirror is polished free
of the rust of hypocrisy and unbelief:
your mirror is polished by your certitude –
by the unalloyed purity of your faith.
Break free
from your chains you have forged about yourself;
for you will be free when you are free of clay.
The body is dark – the heart is shining bright;
the body is mere compost – the heart a blooming garden.
He doesn’t know his own self:
how should he know the self of another?
He knows only his hands and feet,
how should he know about God?
This is beyond the sage’s grasp:
you must be a fool
if you think that you know it.
When you can expound on this,
you will know the pure essence of faith;
till then,
what have faith and you in common?
It is better to be silent
then to talk nonsense
like one of the learned;
faith is not woven
into every garment.
You were made for work:
a robe of honor awaits you.
How is it that you are satisfied
with mere rags?
How will you ever have riches
if you are idle sixty days a month?
Knowing what you know,
be serene also, like the mountain;
and do not be distressed by misfortune.
Knowledge without serenity is an unlit candle;
together they are honey-comb;
honey without wax is a noble thing;
wax without honey is only fit for burning.
Leave this abode
of birth and decay;
leave this pit,
and make for your destined home.
This heap of dust is mirage,
where fire seems like water.
The pure man unites
two in one;
the lover unites
three in one.
But I am frightened
lest your ignorance and stupidity
leave you stranded on the bridge.
He is the provider
of both faith and worldly goods;
he is none other
than the disposer of our lives.
He is no tyrant:
for everything he takes,
he gives back seventy-fold;
and if he closes one door
he opens ten others for you.
He treasures you more
than you do yourself.
Rise, have done with fairy tales;
leave your base passions,
and come to me.
You have to realize
that it is his guidance
that keeps you on the path
and not your own strength
A Ruby there is just a piece of stone:
and spiritual excellence the height of folly.
Silence is praise – have done with speech;
your chatter will only bring you harm and sorrow –
have done!
Belief and unbelief
both have their origin
in your hypocrite’s heart;
the way is long only
because you delay to start on it;
one single step
would bring you to him:
become a slave,
and you will become a king.
The dumb find tongues,
when the scent of life reaches them
from his soul
Listen truly – and don’t be fooled –
this is not for fools:
all these different shades
become one color
in the jar of unity;
the rope becomes slender
when reduced to a single strand.
Your intellect is just hotchpotch
of guesswork and thought,
limping over the face of the earth;
wherever they are, he is not;
they are contained within his creation.
Man and his reason are just the latest
ripening plants in his garden.
Whatever you assert about his nature
you are bound to be out of your depth,
like a blind man trying to describe
the appearance of his mother.
While reason is still tracking down the secret,
you end your quest on the open field of love.
The path consists in neither words nor deeds:
only desolation can come from these,
and never any lasting edifice.
Sweetness and life are the words
of the man who threads this path in silence;
when he speaks it is not from ignorance,
and when he is silent it is not from sloth.
For the wise man
evil and good
are both exceeding good.
No evil ever comes from God;
whenever you think to see
evil proceeding from him,
you were better to look on it
as good.
I’m afraid that on the way of faith,
you are like a squinter seeing double,
or a fool quarreling with the shape of a camel.
If he gives you poison, deem it honey;
and if he shows you anger, deem it mercy.
Be contented with your lot;
but if you have any complaints,
go and take them to the Cadi,
and obtain satisfaction from him.
That’s how the fool’s mind works!
Whatever befalls you, misfortune or fortune,
is unalloyed blessing;
the attendant evil
a fleeing shadow.
‘Good’ and ‘evil’ have no meaning
in the world of the Word:
they are names, coined
in the world of ‘me’ and ‘you’.
Your life is just morsel in his mouth;
his feast is both wedding and a wake.
Why should darkness grieve the heart?
– for night is pregnant with new day.
You say you’ve unrolled the carpet of time,
step then beyond life itself and reason,
till you arrive at God’s command.
You cannot see anything, being blind by night,
and by day one-eyed with your foolish wisdom!
My friend, everything existing
exists through him;
your own existence is a mere pretense.
No more nonsense! Lose yourself,
and the hell of your heart becomes a heaven.
Lose yourself, and anything can be accomplished.
Your selfishness is an untrained colt.
You are what you are:
hence your loves and hates;
you are what you are:
hence faith and unbelief.
Hope and fear drive fortune from your door;
lose yourself, and they will be no more.
At his door, what is the difference
between Moslem and Christian,
virtuous and guilty?
At his door all are seekers
and he the sought.
God is without cause:
why are you looking for causes?
The sun of truth rises unbidden,
and with it sets the moon of learning.
In this halt of just a week,
to be is not to be,
and to come is to go.
And does the sun exist
for the cock to crow at?
What is it to him
whether you are there or not?
Many have come, just like you,
to his door.
You won’t find your way
in this street; if there is a way,
it is on your road of sighs.
All of you are far
from the road of devotion:
sometimes you are virtuous,
sometimes you are wicked:
so you hope for yourselves, fear for yourselves;
but when your mask of wisdom and folly
at last turns white, you will see
that hope and fear are one.
If you know your own worth,
what need you care about
the acceptance or rejection of others?
Worship him as if you could see him with your physical eyes;
though you don’t see him,
he sees you.
Whilst in this land
of fruitless pursuits,
you are always unbalanced, always
either all back or all front;
but once the seeking soul has progressed
just a few paces beyond this state,
love seizes the reins.
The coming of death
is the key which unlocks
the unknown domain;
but for death, the door of true faith
would remain unopened,
If you yourself
are upside down in reality,
then your wisdom and faith
are bound to be topsy-turvy.
Stop weaving a net about yourself:
burst like a lion from the cage.
Melt yourself down in his search:
venture your life and your soul
in the path of sincerity;
strive to pass from nothingness to being,
and make yourself drunk with the wine of God.
From Him forgiveness comes so fast,
it reaches us before repentance
has even taken shape on our lips.
He is your shepherd,
and you prefer the wolf;
he invites you to him,
and yet you stay unfed;
he gives you his protection,
yet you are sound asleep:
Oh, well done,
you senseless upstart fool!
He heals our nature from within,
kinder to us than we ourselves are.
A mother does not love her child
with half the love that he bestows.
You have broken faith,
yet still he keeps his faith with you:
he is truer to you
than you are to yourself,
He created your mental powers;
yet his knowledge is innocent
of the passage of thought.
He knows what is in your heart;
or he made your heart along with your clay;
but if you think that he knows
in the same way that you do,
then you are stuck like a donkey
in your own mud.
In His presence, silence is the gift of tongues.
He knows the touch
of an ant’s foot
moving in darkness
over a rock.
He always knows
what is in men’s minds:
you would do well
to reflect on this.
Love’s conqueror is he
whom love conquers.
Apply yourself, hand and foot,
to the search;
but when you reach the sea,
stop talking of the stream.
When he admits you to his presence
ask from him nothing other than himself,
When he has chosen you for a friend,
you have seen all that there is to see.
There’s no duality in the world of love
what’s all this talk of ‘you’ and ‘me’?
How can you fill a cup that’s full already?
Bring all of yourself to his door:
bring only a part
and you’ve brought nothing at all.
It’s your own self defining faith and unbelief:
inevitably it colors your perception.
Eternity knows nothing
of belief or unbelief;
for a pure nature
there is no such thing.
And if, my friend, you ask me the way
I’ll tell you plainly, it is this:
to turn your face towards the world of life,
and turn your back on rank and reputation;
and, spurning outward prosperity, to bend
your back double in his service;
to part company with those who deal in words,
and take your place in the presence of the worldless.
The way is not far
from you to a friend: you yourself are that way:
so set out along it.
You who know nothing of the life
that comes from the juice of the grape,
how long will you remain intoxicated
by the outward form of the grape?
Why do you lie that you are drunk?
How can you go forward?
There is no place to go;
how will you leap?
You have no foot.
Not one knows how far it is
from nothingness to God.
As long as you cling to your self
you will wander right and left,
day and night, for thousands of years;
and when, after all that effort,
you finally open your eyes,
you will see your self, through inherent defects,
wandering around itself like the ox on the mill;
but, if, once freed from your self,
you finally get down to work,
this door will open to you within two minutes.
God will not be yours,
as long as you cling to soul and life:
you cannot have both this and that.
Bruise your self for months and years on end;
leave it for dead, and when you have done with it,
you will have reached eternal life.
Remain unmoved by hope and fear.
To non-existence mosque and church are one;
to a shadow, heaven and hell likewise.
For someone whose guide is love,
belief and disbelief are equally a veil,
concealing the doorway of the friend;
his very being is a veil
which hides God’s essence.
Until you throw your sword way,
you’ll not become a shield
until you lay your crown aside,
you’ll not be fit to lead.
The death of soul
is the destruction of life;
but death of life
is the soul’s salvation.
Never stand still on the path
become non-existent.
Non-existent even to the notion
of becoming non-existent.
And when you have abandoned both
individuality and understanding,
the world will become that.
When the eye is pure
it sees purity.
Unself yourself…
until you see your self as a speck of dust
you cannot possibly reach that place;
self could never breathe that air,
so wend your way there without self.
~Hakim Sanai (1044-1150)
our way to Him:
it did not work;
but the moment we gave up,
no obstacle remained.
He introduced himself to us
out of kindness: how else
could we have known him?
Reason took us as far as the door;
but it was his presence that let us in.
But how will you ever know him,
as long as you are unable
to know yourself?
Once one is one,
no more, no less:
error begins with duality;
unity knows no error.
The road your self must journey on
lies in polishing the heart.
It is not by rebellion and discord
that the heart’s mirror is polished free
of the rust of hypocrisy and unbelief:
your mirror is polished by your certitude –
by the unalloyed purity of your faith.
Break free
from your chains you have forged about yourself;
for you will be free when you are free of clay.
The body is dark – the heart is shining bright;
the body is mere compost – the heart a blooming garden.
He doesn’t know his own self:
how should he know the self of another?
He knows only his hands and feet,
how should he know about God?
This is beyond the sage’s grasp:
you must be a fool
if you think that you know it.
When you can expound on this,
you will know the pure essence of faith;
till then,
what have faith and you in common?
It is better to be silent
then to talk nonsense
like one of the learned;
faith is not woven
into every garment.
You were made for work:
a robe of honor awaits you.
How is it that you are satisfied
with mere rags?
How will you ever have riches
if you are idle sixty days a month?
Knowing what you know,
be serene also, like the mountain;
and do not be distressed by misfortune.
Knowledge without serenity is an unlit candle;
together they are honey-comb;
honey without wax is a noble thing;
wax without honey is only fit for burning.
Leave this abode
of birth and decay;
leave this pit,
and make for your destined home.
This heap of dust is mirage,
where fire seems like water.
The pure man unites
two in one;
the lover unites
three in one.
But I am frightened
lest your ignorance and stupidity
leave you stranded on the bridge.
He is the provider
of both faith and worldly goods;
he is none other
than the disposer of our lives.
He is no tyrant:
for everything he takes,
he gives back seventy-fold;
and if he closes one door
he opens ten others for you.
He treasures you more
than you do yourself.
Rise, have done with fairy tales;
leave your base passions,
and come to me.
You have to realize
that it is his guidance
that keeps you on the path
and not your own strength
A Ruby there is just a piece of stone:
and spiritual excellence the height of folly.
Silence is praise – have done with speech;
your chatter will only bring you harm and sorrow –
have done!
Belief and unbelief
both have their origin
in your hypocrite’s heart;
the way is long only
because you delay to start on it;
one single step
would bring you to him:
become a slave,
and you will become a king.
The dumb find tongues,
when the scent of life reaches them
from his soul
Listen truly – and don’t be fooled –
this is not for fools:
all these different shades
become one color
in the jar of unity;
the rope becomes slender
when reduced to a single strand.
Your intellect is just hotchpotch
of guesswork and thought,
limping over the face of the earth;
wherever they are, he is not;
they are contained within his creation.
Man and his reason are just the latest
ripening plants in his garden.
Whatever you assert about his nature
you are bound to be out of your depth,
like a blind man trying to describe
the appearance of his mother.
While reason is still tracking down the secret,
you end your quest on the open field of love.
The path consists in neither words nor deeds:
only desolation can come from these,
and never any lasting edifice.
Sweetness and life are the words
of the man who threads this path in silence;
when he speaks it is not from ignorance,
and when he is silent it is not from sloth.
For the wise man
evil and good
are both exceeding good.
No evil ever comes from God;
whenever you think to see
evil proceeding from him,
you were better to look on it
as good.
I’m afraid that on the way of faith,
you are like a squinter seeing double,
or a fool quarreling with the shape of a camel.
If he gives you poison, deem it honey;
and if he shows you anger, deem it mercy.
Be contented with your lot;
but if you have any complaints,
go and take them to the Cadi,
and obtain satisfaction from him.
That’s how the fool’s mind works!
Whatever befalls you, misfortune or fortune,
is unalloyed blessing;
the attendant evil
a fleeing shadow.
‘Good’ and ‘evil’ have no meaning
in the world of the Word:
they are names, coined
in the world of ‘me’ and ‘you’.
Your life is just morsel in his mouth;
his feast is both wedding and a wake.
Why should darkness grieve the heart?
– for night is pregnant with new day.
You say you’ve unrolled the carpet of time,
step then beyond life itself and reason,
till you arrive at God’s command.
You cannot see anything, being blind by night,
and by day one-eyed with your foolish wisdom!
My friend, everything existing
exists through him;
your own existence is a mere pretense.
No more nonsense! Lose yourself,
and the hell of your heart becomes a heaven.
Lose yourself, and anything can be accomplished.
Your selfishness is an untrained colt.
You are what you are:
hence your loves and hates;
you are what you are:
hence faith and unbelief.
Hope and fear drive fortune from your door;
lose yourself, and they will be no more.
At his door, what is the difference
between Moslem and Christian,
virtuous and guilty?
At his door all are seekers
and he the sought.
God is without cause:
why are you looking for causes?
The sun of truth rises unbidden,
and with it sets the moon of learning.
In this halt of just a week,
to be is not to be,
and to come is to go.
And does the sun exist
for the cock to crow at?
What is it to him
whether you are there or not?
Many have come, just like you,
to his door.
You won’t find your way
in this street; if there is a way,
it is on your road of sighs.
All of you are far
from the road of devotion:
sometimes you are virtuous,
sometimes you are wicked:
so you hope for yourselves, fear for yourselves;
but when your mask of wisdom and folly
at last turns white, you will see
that hope and fear are one.
If you know your own worth,
what need you care about
the acceptance or rejection of others?
Worship him as if you could see him with your physical eyes;
though you don’t see him,
he sees you.
Whilst in this land
of fruitless pursuits,
you are always unbalanced, always
either all back or all front;
but once the seeking soul has progressed
just a few paces beyond this state,
love seizes the reins.
The coming of death
is the key which unlocks
the unknown domain;
but for death, the door of true faith
would remain unopened,
If you yourself
are upside down in reality,
then your wisdom and faith
are bound to be topsy-turvy.
Stop weaving a net about yourself:
burst like a lion from the cage.
Melt yourself down in his search:
venture your life and your soul
in the path of sincerity;
strive to pass from nothingness to being,
and make yourself drunk with the wine of God.
From Him forgiveness comes so fast,
it reaches us before repentance
has even taken shape on our lips.
He is your shepherd,
and you prefer the wolf;
he invites you to him,
and yet you stay unfed;
he gives you his protection,
yet you are sound asleep:
Oh, well done,
you senseless upstart fool!
He heals our nature from within,
kinder to us than we ourselves are.
A mother does not love her child
with half the love that he bestows.
You have broken faith,
yet still he keeps his faith with you:
he is truer to you
than you are to yourself,
He created your mental powers;
yet his knowledge is innocent
of the passage of thought.
He knows what is in your heart;
or he made your heart along with your clay;
but if you think that he knows
in the same way that you do,
then you are stuck like a donkey
in your own mud.
In His presence, silence is the gift of tongues.
He knows the touch
of an ant’s foot
moving in darkness
over a rock.
He always knows
what is in men’s minds:
you would do well
to reflect on this.
Love’s conqueror is he
whom love conquers.
Apply yourself, hand and foot,
to the search;
but when you reach the sea,
stop talking of the stream.
When he admits you to his presence
ask from him nothing other than himself,
When he has chosen you for a friend,
you have seen all that there is to see.
There’s no duality in the world of love
what’s all this talk of ‘you’ and ‘me’?
How can you fill a cup that’s full already?
Bring all of yourself to his door:
bring only a part
and you’ve brought nothing at all.
It’s your own self defining faith and unbelief:
inevitably it colors your perception.
Eternity knows nothing
of belief or unbelief;
for a pure nature
there is no such thing.
And if, my friend, you ask me the way
I’ll tell you plainly, it is this:
to turn your face towards the world of life,
and turn your back on rank and reputation;
and, spurning outward prosperity, to bend
your back double in his service;
to part company with those who deal in words,
and take your place in the presence of the worldless.
The way is not far
from you to a friend: you yourself are that way:
so set out along it.
You who know nothing of the life
that comes from the juice of the grape,
how long will you remain intoxicated
by the outward form of the grape?
Why do you lie that you are drunk?
How can you go forward?
There is no place to go;
how will you leap?
You have no foot.
Not one knows how far it is
from nothingness to God.
As long as you cling to your self
you will wander right and left,
day and night, for thousands of years;
and when, after all that effort,
you finally open your eyes,
you will see your self, through inherent defects,
wandering around itself like the ox on the mill;
but, if, once freed from your self,
you finally get down to work,
this door will open to you within two minutes.
God will not be yours,
as long as you cling to soul and life:
you cannot have both this and that.
Bruise your self for months and years on end;
leave it for dead, and when you have done with it,
you will have reached eternal life.
Remain unmoved by hope and fear.
To non-existence mosque and church are one;
to a shadow, heaven and hell likewise.
For someone whose guide is love,
belief and disbelief are equally a veil,
concealing the doorway of the friend;
his very being is a veil
which hides God’s essence.
Until you throw your sword way,
you’ll not become a shield
until you lay your crown aside,
you’ll not be fit to lead.
The death of soul
is the destruction of life;
but death of life
is the soul’s salvation.
Never stand still on the path
become non-existent.
Non-existent even to the notion
of becoming non-existent.
And when you have abandoned both
individuality and understanding,
the world will become that.
When the eye is pure
it sees purity.
Unself yourself…
until you see your self as a speck of dust
you cannot possibly reach that place;
self could never breathe that air,
so wend your way there without self.
~Hakim Sanai (1044-1150)
2022-05-09
famously illegal
3 months in WOOHOOOOOOO
6 months to go
i still fall in awe with dato's faceted mind and how he carries himself in the Room
xxx
but then again human will be human. if poked wrong, the hole caves in
pupa (drafted on new years, '22)
a new found glory
(to be)
as the earth finished her cycle, the rain poured so heavily as it melts everything together in the background
when i stare out the window all i see is the horizon and nothing below.
im so melodramatic-
of course there's always that brief moments of life that all my livelihood is shoved into those tiny seconds of contentment. 20+ hours or so of possibilities fit into 30 minutes of inspiration.. I'm no Newton but by all laws of physics and mathematics and arithematics and geometrics, this does not seem viable at all!!!
SO i revisit this familiar place i once found solitude in. it reeks of fatal comfort and much real illusions.
i lost my breath even before i got here
all the feelings that dulled me pulled me back on my seat
but the car keeps heading to this red pin.. i think the journey is beyond, or so i hope
grateful for:
1.
2022-01-10
act appalled, circa survive
Will you walk straight? we're not like them
To fool them in, make it seem like you're in trouble
Make a sound, fake it enough.
What made you so scared?
Maybe you're mistaken for someone who cares
If you remember, remember
I've been trying to get back to the center
I'm sure it's not like it was before
To make them drink, tell them that it's only water
No one leaves 'till we figure this out
What made you so scared?
Maybe your mistaken for someone who cares
If you remember, remember
I've been trying to get back to the center
I'm sure it's not like it was before
Patience,
Both we and our words are over produced by influence
To fool them in, make it seem like you're in trouble
Make a sound, fake it enough.
What made you so scared?
Maybe you're mistaken for someone who cares
If you remember, remember
I've been trying to get back to the center
I'm sure it's not like it was before
To make them drink, tell them that it's only water
No one leaves 'till we figure this out
What made you so scared?
Maybe your mistaken for someone who cares
If you remember, remember
I've been trying to get back to the center
I'm sure it's not like it was before
Patience,
Both we and our words are over produced by influence
2021-12-29
What telah happened to us man?
What has happened, i was never interested with monies and material riches. now i find myself sitting in the dark corner of what once was solitude. Come what may, but i think im easily anxious these days because my faith is slipping away from me.
2021-10-25
mati hidup kem bali,
Jalan raya terlampau sunyi
Untuk ku terus bermimpi
Mataku belum mengantuk lagi
Bawa ke mana sahaja ku pergi
Tunjukkan ku bulan gerhana
Tiada siapa nak ku jumpa
Pendirian tiada ku sangka ada
Tak mengapa oh tak mengapa
Malam semalam gundah gulana
Hari ini hari mulia
Tak pernah daku rasa begini
Seperti mati hidup kembali
Bawakan ku hilang dari ingatan
Hari ini sehingga esok
Tak pernah daku rasa begini
Seperti mati hidup kembali
Angkasa penuh dengan berlian
Ku capai sebelah tangan
Sebalik awan ada cahaya
Bercahayalah selamanya
Daku tertawa seorang diri
Darah yang mengalir terhenti
Fikiranku melayang-layang
Tiada siapa yang perasan
Mataku belum mengantuk lagi
Bawa ke mana sahaja ku pergi
Tunjukkan ku bulan gerhana
Tiada siapa nak ku jumpa
Pendirian tiada ku sangka ada
Tak mengapa oh tak mengapa
Malam semalam gundah gulana
Hari ini hari mulia
Tak pernah daku rasa begini
Seperti mati hidup kembali
Bawakan ku hilang dari ingatan
Hari ini sehingga esok
Tak pernah daku rasa begini
Seperti mati hidup kembali
Angkasa penuh dengan berlian
Ku capai sebelah tangan
Sebalik awan ada cahaya
Bercahayalah selamanya
Daku tertawa seorang diri
Darah yang mengalir terhenti
Fikiranku melayang-layang
Tiada siapa yang perasan
-
“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
Nietzsche’s quote above has become very much a part of who I am. When you gaze into that abyss, it gazes back, and it tells you what you are made of. And, you know, you might be surprised that even in the midst of monsters, you can find your own heroism and the goodness of others.
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